spilling the beans (2)

Here goes for some more personal recommendations. Just a warning about the restaurants, I'm not going for the 5 star, gourmet, fancy schmanzy places. The places I'm listing here are the ones where I feel really comfortable going to. Where you don't need to dress up or worry if you drop a fork. Ones which don't mind if my kids wander into the kitchen or chat to the chef.
All these people / services are ones where I've been very happy with the service.  It doesn't mean you'll necessarily feel the same way, just a personal opinion.

Japanese in Kennedy town;
Oomami, G/F, Cado Building, 39A Cadogan Street, Kennedy Town
The quality is good enough. Like the neighbourhood feel to this, and my kids love going here.

Handyman:
Danny Chow. (9340-6271) He's reasonable, he's friendly, he's prompt, comes on time, he's a qualified electrician as well as all round handyman. You've got a problem, he looks at it and finds a suitable solution, sometimes original and inventive. He can't do it? He'll find a suitably qualified friend. Also, if something's broken and he doesn't have the parts, he goes and buys it for you, brings the receipt and you just add it to the bill. His english isn't great, but is enough for mutual understanding.

Best fun to be had:
Urban discovery urban adventures. www.urbandiscovery.asia

Best way to learn about Hong Kong's History
Walking tours by Jason Wordie.

China Visas
Grossman agency, 22/f Bank of America Tower. Tel; 28017911.  Costs slightly more than going to the consulate yourself, but no queuing, they fill in the forms for you, all you do is sign! and often manage to do stuff that's theoretically difficult - like multiple entry 3 months visas etc.

Gynecologist:
Dr. Edmund Hon / Dr. Philip Ho - Well Woman Health Clinic, 28992293, Room 701 Hing Wai Building 36 Queen's Road Central
Dr. Ho brought my first child into this world 9 years ago, but seems to be really busy these days, so I see Dr. Hon in his practise instead for my check ups.  I like his calm and professional manner, and also the fact that he talks to me as one adult to another!

Nicest dentists for kids:
-HK  South- Dr. Corinne Koo 28126337
-Midlevels - Dr. Patricia Siu (Dr. Costello practise) 28779622

Best number for finding anything out:
CAB (commmunity advice bureau) www.cab.org.hk or 2815 5444  In English and they go the extra mile for strange requests.

Foot massage
(I found the card!) - 2/f Wellington Street, central, tel 28680385

Best Club in Central
The Helena May - who's having a membership drive again by the way!

Best places to buy 2nd hand books
* St John's cathedral 2nd hand shop - not a huge collection but you can see the donors have good taste in reading!
* YWCA McDonnell road

Best place for Antique repairs, including old clocks
Winkle Workshop / Winkle Design and Decoration
Ken Wong Tel 25541269

art:
Best Children's art classes: Shirley's Art House added bonus is that classes are in Mandarin.
Fun art for adults - Art Jamming 

Best Curtain / Blind & uphostery person:
Julie Yeung, 91049905, comes to measure, makes, comes to put it up.  Never a problem in 12 years of using her services

That's all for now folks.

panic

tonight my family leaves for Europe.
Today in 2 weeks time I finish my last exam.
The house is a mess
I haven't sorted anything and don't have time to sort anything.
My heart is racing.
I walked out of the playroom I couldn't even begin to think about what needed throwing out, and thought - I'll sort it all out in Singapore. It's ok.
But I'm panicking anyway.
I'm scared.

Good cop, bad cop

I've had a secret little indulgence which ended last night.  One of my classmates got me watching "Modern Families" which is a rather nice little completely innocent and fun sitcom.  Last night after trying to ram 100's of newspaper abbreviations in Chinese into my head (including but not exclusive to all the various CP divisions names) I watched the last few episodes of season 2. One which stuck was the "Good cop, bad dog" episode.  It was so true at it made me cringe.

Any other mums out there who feel like they're the bad cop at home?  That they're the ones that are always nagging and reminding and threatening and punishing?  And that when dad comes home it's all fun and moonshine and roses?  Is it just that dad is more present over the weekends which, by default are more fun and relaxed times?  Is it different in households where dad is not always on a plane, about to catch a plane or somewhere geographically distant from home.  Where dad is home at a decent time (i.e. before a family dinner together) and there to do those mundane but necessary and potentially inflammable moments like homework (daily, not just in the weekend, where it can be spread over 2 days without a bedtime time limit).

I don't know.  I don't know any households here where dad is home for dinner during the week.  Isn't that sad?  And I know enough households where neither mum nor dad are home for dinner and where the helper has given up on being the bad cop.  What have we given up?

I felt for the woman in the sitcom (and there the dad is home a lot).  I've been wondering lately where my fun side went.  When I suddenly became all serious and sober and stopped drinking and dancing.  I danced for the first time in years the other night, egged on my my exuberant and young and child-free class mates.  And I realised, it all happened when I started being a mum.  A bad cop mum.

Good enough

Funnily enough it was Sorlo's piece on the Strad that started me thinking about the "good enough" theme.  It poked my memory on something I read a while back within the realms and reams of information on ADD and ADHD and living with it and co-existing with it etc. etc.  By the way, as someone who doesn't have full blown ADD (it's a spectrum rather than an on-off thing - and I'm as distractible as the next person at times), what really annoys me about some of those websites is their need to put everything into slides of less than 20 words where you keep on having to click on "next" to get to the next piece of information.  Heavens.
Back to the point, someone somewhere said that in order to deal with the things that kids are less successful at and leave them with enough time to exploit their passions and talents, you need to decide on what is "good enough" and work with them to that point, on say maths or english or grammar or whatever and then move on.
Naturally that all make sense if you can keep the mantra going to yourself "good enough" alternating with "life is long".  The mother of one of my son's friends has been on about borrowing my daughter's grade 3 text / work books so that she can prepare her 2nd grade son during the holidays for 3rd grade. I'm not sure borrowing my daughter's books is particularly helpful.  I had to keep on reminding her that my daughter is (a) a girl (b) someone for whom school was designed (c) one of the eldest in her year group and that to look at her work and project what her son could / should / might be was a potential exercise in futility and tears.  Of course I had to do it a lot more subtly than that.  But not so subtly that she'd miss the point.

She left with her arms loaded up with books, and he proceeded to stay here for his first every sleepover. Good on her.  He has other friends with mothers ala AC (Amy Chiu) who have never had sleepovers and will never have sleepovers, until (hopefully) they end up in their nuptial bed.  Anyway, after story time and lights out I went back to study.  Did my children check at 10pm.  Child is still awake (my 2 in dream land), sit with him for a while until he relaxes and go on studying.  Go to bed.  12pm I hear a noise. Kid is tossing and turning. Are you allowed the stroke the backs of a fully clothed child that is not yours? I don't know the protocol these days (my daughter's teacher asked if she could put her arm around my daughter for the final farewell photo, - of course, what a question. But in this PC world?).  I get to bed again.  3am there's noises that I decide to ignore, 4am the lights are on, I investigate. Said boy is packing his bag, can't sleep anymore.  My son turns in his sleep and says "put out that light" I explain there is no way I'm phoning his mum at 4am to pick him up.  "what time does my helper get up he asks, can he go and play with her?"  Nope, I say, you're going to sleep a good few more hours and not wake anyone else up.  Pop him back to bed, more back stroking and soothing talking.

I'm a wreck today. Living on sugar to keep my energy up and my patience ticking over. The weekend SCMP gave me further food for thought.  Did anyone else read the article about Blanche Tang Oi-Lam (see below)? I was so stunned that I got the kids into the kitchen and read it aloud to them - while my husband lifted up the kitchen chair, held it over my son's head and told him to "go and get your maths books or else"
Not a great advert for La Salle school.  And I greatly admire her for coming out and admitting to this all.  And for turning her home situation around.  It's that problem of "good enough" again.  She felt good about her son's grades until she stupidly compared him to others.
Going back to that moving "Race to Nowhere" at some point someone makes a comment about the normal distribution curve and how we're all trying get our kids to be on the top 2% of it.

Media personality Blanche Tang learned to stop beating her son over his grades
Sherry Lee (familypost@scmp.com) Jun 19, 2011
Blanche Tang Oi-lam is something of a parenting celebrity in Hong Kong. The mother of two has published seven books and given hundreds of talks on the subject, and offers advice through newspaper columns and a Sunday radio show on RTHK. This may seem like natural progression for a media personality who began her career as the teenage host of youth programmes. But Tang gained her insight the hard way, and she's keen that other parents won't repeat her mistakes. While Yale University law professor Amy Chua has been singing Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Tang has been singing its lament. The wife of former deputy director of broadcasting Raymond Ng Sek-fai, Tang turned into a tigress when her eldest son, Conrad, was first admitted to elite La Salle Primary School. Conrad would return from his Primary One classes each day with six to eight sets of assignments, she says. He did them very slowly, so they weren't always completed when he turned in at midnight. Anxious for him to do well, Tang kept a close eye on his homework and made sure he put in two more hours of study before he left for school every morning. This made her son feel anxious and tense, which soon became an obstacle to his learning. "Once, when I dictated a Chinese word to him, he forgot how to write the character each time, although we repeated it 10 times," she recalls. Still, she was gratified when Conrad came home with results from his first exam: he got 80 marks in Chinese, 90 marks in mathematics and earned an average score of 88.6. "The whole family celebrated in a dinner," she says. But her jubilation evaporated when his report card arrived the following week, ranking him 33rd in his class of 37 pupils. "The best students scored 99.9 marks," she says. "Over half of the class had 100 marks in mathematics. My son's 90 marks in mathematics was the lowest in the class." Tang was distraught and set an even more demanding schedule for the boy. He would have tuition three days a week, and there was no television and no playtime. "I couldn't face the fact that my son wasn't better than others," she says. "I made him do lots of extra exercises in Chinese, English and mathematics. He couldn't rest and worked until two in the morning." Not surprisingly, Conrad flagged, and his frustrated mother started shouting abuse at him. Then the caning began. "Caning was like a trap," Tang recalls. "It dragged me deeper and deeper. "I first hit him on his limbs. Then I slapped his face and threw furniture at him. Whenever I caned him, he would run. I chased after him and even asked my helper to block his way." Tang gave little credence at the time to the principles of child psychology she had learned at university in Canada. Conrad's school results went from bad to worse under her tough regimen. "He got zero for dictation. His brain went blank because he was so scared that I would beat him if he failed." Despite feeling heartbroken, she continued with the beatings, and the boy began to rebel. But a chance discovery when he was in Primary Three awakened Tang to how the relentless drive for good grades was crushing her son's interest in learning - and their relationship. She surprised the boy scribbling in his room one day, prompting him to immediately crumple the piece of paper and throw it into a bin. The curious Tang later retrieved it and was shocked to find a very unflattering sketch. "He drew me as a very ugly, witch-like woman," she recalls. "It was horrific. I told myself: `This is your report card as a mother.' It is very painful to find that your child hates you." Then pregnant with her younger son, Tang was devastated and sat sobbing for hours. But when the tears dried up, she started anew. First, she transferred Conrad to an international school where children could learn at a natural pace. Then she quit her job at RTHK to be a full-time mother. "I wanted to rebuild our relationship," she says. Looking back, Tang traces her unrealistic expectations of Conrad back to her own childhood, when she lacked attention and self-esteem. Pushing her son to succeed was a way to compensate. "I came from a poor family, and my parents quarrelled and fought endlessly. I felt very unhappy, insecure and helpless as a child. Suicidal thoughts haunted me all way through." She was still feeling very low when a community group invited her to give a talk about her parenting experiences. "I thought I was the worst mother and walked around with my head down," she says. Instead of painting a rose-tinted picture, Tang gave a frank account of the painful lessons she learned, bringing many mothers to tears. "At first I thought they were sad for me. But later, I learned that my speech reminded them of the way they treated their own children. They were crying for themselves." The encounter helped Tang realise that her problems weren't unique. It inspired her to make changes in her own life, and also to help other parents. Tang dug up the psychology texts that she had packed away and eventually came up with a parenting approach that ruled out any beating, abuse, blame, threats or dark looks. After a year as a reformed parent, Tang began to notice changes in Conrad, too. He enjoyed reading, going to school, and he smiled a lot. He even did well in his studies. "He was motivated to do his homework and I only coached him when he had difficulties," she says. Parents often want their children to be the best at everything. But Tang says each child has a unique set of talents. The parents' job is to help their children discover their potential and encourage them to develop it. By dropping expectations that their sons be the best but encouraging them to do their best, Tang reckons she and her husband have raised confident individuals. Her younger son, Eugene, is a self-motivated 14-year-old who enjoys playing violin. Conrad, now 22, graduated from the University of Hong Kong with first-class honours in English literature, and now works as an editor in an English-language publishing house. "When you treat your children with love and respect, they will love you in return and want to do things that can please you," she says.

Things to do instead of studying

I got home yesterday fully intending to hit the books.  Had forgotten the computer guy was coming around to help me set up the back ups, wipe discs etc.
Next the kids walked in after their sailing lesson.  Things weren't good.  Tears in my usually exuberant daughter's eyes.  Then she opened her mouth and the tears followed for good.  Went to hold her tight motioning to computer guy to just hang on between press (1) and "next".
She'd managed to be hit by the boom and had lost 1/4 of one front tooth and a chip off the other.  "It's OK, it's OK" I just kept repeating to her (and to myself).  "Come and stand here with me, I'm nearly finished and then we'll ring the dentist and see what we need to do."
Deep breath and  thinking about and writing down procedures helps clear the mind.
Computer guy leaves a few minutes later.
Own dentist not on duty today.  Would back up do? Yes it would.  Could I be there in 1/2 hour.  Yes I could.

So my poor child.  Who hardly ever eats candy, nor drinks fruit juice.  Has survived 9 1/2 years without any cavities or dental treatment besides the semi-annual check up and polish is having an x-ray, injection (panic station as she doesn't like injections one bit), and the two teeth reconstructed "on the fly" as they fly out to Europe with their Dad on Friday and there is no time to make moulds and have things go through laboratories etc.  A hour and half and $5000 dollars later, we leave with her teeth looking normal again.  And with the warning that the root may be damaged and could take up to 2 years to die, and that it will have to be watched.  And of course a course of anti-biotics in case there was internal bleeding and infection due to the knock.

I sit there, alternatively holding her hand and stroking her leg, trying to squeeze in a bit of homework on the side.

Her co-sailor's mother rings me in the evening.  To apologise and hope she'll be back tomorrow.  Of course I say, looking at her while she nods.  I re-iterate that I'm aware it was an accident, that it could have happened to anyone and that we're not blaming anyone.  My son climbs onto my lap.  "You're the best mom ever" he says and keeps saying.  I ask why, but he just keeps saying that.  I guess at that age it's important just to have someone around who takes charge, does what has to be done and says it will all be ok and makes it all ok.  He's extra solicitous to his sister all evening, which lasts until breakfast, and then they're back to "stop it"  "I didn't" "Mum he's / she's" etc.

Our Bodies Ourselves ....

I think I probably caught the tail end of feminism when I was studying.  This call from women of "our bodies ourselves" was a women's health initiative which was very much alive and kicking as I reached womanhood.  It seems that few younger women have heard about it, let alone have the book on their shelves.  Perhaps due to the internet, perhaps due to a new confidence and awareness in younger women.  But then again, I wonder.  Especially when I read Cherry's post (scroll down to after the food discussion it's near the end) and then saw her comment (below) in response to my comment.

I grew up in a time where women were claiming choice over their bodies, over the choice of reproduction, over their sexuality.  Has the clock been turned back, or has it just turned to make these things irrelevant?

Perhaps I'm not qualified to answer her questions.  I don't have any qualms about making my own decisions as to whether or not to have children, and how many, and don't feel answerable to my parents or any potential god on the matter.  I married for love and getting married was in no way linked to my parents wishes and desires (horrified since we first lived together "in sin"), nor was it linked to fertility or having children or not.  We were happily married for 7 years before we mutually decided that we were ready for the challenges of having a child.  But we were equally prepared for the fact that since I was over 35 perhaps a child wouldn't happen, in which case we'd carry on as before. It was OUR choice.  And in fact, most people around us were quite surprised when I fell pregnant, as up to that point I'd neither been ready for, nor prepared to have children.  With respect to the choice of having children or not, it was a mutual decision made after many many conversations and discussion with each other, with people who were child-free, people who privately regretted having children, people with one child, people with more children.  I also spent some time with a therapist talking about my own childhood and what had gone wrong that made me nervous about being a good parent or not (as we repeat patterns, whether we want to or not).

and about 6 weeks before my daughter was born, 9/11 happened.  I remember thinking "oh dear, what kind of a world am I bringing this child into"

Here are some the points from Cherry - please make some comments and suggestions to her as you see fit.  Politely and with respect please.  Even if, like me you are not religious, it obviously plays a huge role in her decision making.

======================================

Thanks for leaving that comment on my blog. When I read your posts on the joys and challenges of raising children (especially your struggle with the school system here), it makes me fearful about them and unsure on my decision. By the way, I would have liked to PM/email you but didn't know how. I'd love to hear your opinion on my thoughts.

My mom wants children. Some reasons she stated include: biologically it is better for women (ie better health in old age, apparently), have someone to take care of you in old age (at least this is from a traditional chinese culture), won't have to deal with seeing others have and then changing your mind later on but be past the prime biological age of reproduction.
They are all valid points. More importantly, is having to deal with disappointment from mother (while she said she acknowledges that the decision belongs to the couple, I can easily see that she will be unhappy about it), disappointment from parents on husband's side, and having to hear a lot about it from them (lots of convincing, questioning, more convincing, more questioning, thus hurting relationship between myself and the other family) peers, and church (which the other family is also closely tied to, so I will probably get convincing from those people too). After all, not having to children isn't popular option; people are bewildered. And to many people, it might be the only reason why their son would get married. What use is a wife who was barren? She must be very disobedient and disrespectful to God and her elders. "If it was a biological issue, then we should pray about it. If it is just her will, then that's sinful." Since it would just be too much emotional trouble to fight it all , and eventually be pushed into having children anyway in the end, the question to 'should I have children?' is 'yes' .

And how many? Two is also the answer. It seems like my bf wants more than one. And three is a horrible number, as some middle-siblings have told me, and four would be stretching my resources and physical ability. Don't ask me why, but I know that I won't be able to handle multiple child births. If it was up to me, I'd like only one. Max. And deal with the child bearing pain (ranks somewhere like 10 on the pain scale) once. I grew up an only child. Maybe it would have been better if I had a sibling, but I wouldn't know, and I'm the way I am now.
The above argument is missing an important factor; it is what my OWN choice is as it pertains to God's will. And it would probably be a mistake to choose to have children on the basis of living out the expectations or unfulfilled wishes of others. If I choose to enter a marriage like this--feeling obligated almost to produce grandchildren--it is like inheriting a debt. I have university debt, surgery debt, debt to my parents and eventually mortgage debt. I certainly don't want more of it.

It's not that I hate children; I love every child I've taught or tutored. It's just that I have never had much of a desire to bear a child. I don't have much of a maternal instinct in me (I never played with dolls or barbies or babies), or envisioned my married life to be with children.
Children is a huge responsibility, and will take a lifetime of sacrifice. I don't think this is an issue of selfishness (ie I want more time to myself, I want to go travel more, have more money...etc) I want to bring someone into the world if I am absolutely certain that I can bring them up into God-fearing individuals who will contribute to His kingdom and to this world. Not only that, do you REALLY want to bring someone into the polluted, selfish, perverted, materialistic, dolphin-killing world, and IGNORE the millions of orphans out there? I don't doubt my ability to love my own child if I were to have one. I'm not heartless, and I trust in the hormones that will be biologically produced during pregnancy to create bonding to the child. So that is not the problem or issue here.