To continue in our culinary discussions, let's move on to breakfast. you know that oft quoted chestnut in motivational speeches and company training? "what's the difference between involvement and commitment?" and then they come out with bacon and eggs. The chicken is involved and the (now dead) pig is committed. The sub text of course is always that one should be the pig rather than the chicken. While I (contrarian that I am) have always wondered what good a dead pig serves in the long run.
I had pause to think on this matter again last night, and the last week as the school winds up. The first time was sitting sobbing in the doctor's office explaining to her how yet again I'd failed as a mother as I'd not managed to be on top of things for my child and as a result he'd lost out on something that he'd deserved as the paper work wasn't completed on time. She looked at me in amazement. And then said "are you crazy" and then quickly back-tracked as she realised that if I wasn't a little bit crazy I wouldn't be sitting there in her office being monitored for drugs that would make me less anxious and or depressed which ever was the one that I was more than the other. Anyway, she briskly said, as I suspect only a person who is either (a) childless or (b) has children who have come and gone as the focal point in their lives can say:
"you don't have to take responsibility or feel guilty about that stuff. That's his job. You have more important things to worry about" and that was the end of that.
My turn to look at her in amazement. I don't think she has any idea. Neither of us had much time to go into the matter, so I'll do it here instead. I'll give you guys an idea. some of you may nod your heads in recognition and some may shake their heads in amazement and wonder - like she did. She's Chinese. I'm SURE now she doesn't have kids. I'm going to have to ask her.
What have I encountered this year. Well, a lot of parents, primarily mothers. Who are absolutely committed to their children and the school in a way that makes me think of bacon rather than eggs. I've come across mothers who are feeling miserable as they've felt obliged to give up their jobs, not just jobs, but careers, so that they can be on hand full time for their kids. So that they can be class parents. Because they've had experiences with kids getting roles in plays or prizes or better grades because mummy is involved at school, often in the class room and something's rubbing off that's not exactly negative for darling baby.
I've come across parents who do homework for their kids. Projects - "oops one parent said to another, now I'm going to have to change my (blush), sorry, his conclusion on that piece of work". Teachers who are asking kids to make pictures of themselves doing the work to make sure it's not mum or the maid or dad or whatever. Parents who take a week off work around exam time in order to help their children prepare for tests (more a theme in local schools). Mothers who flaunt rules and never pick up their children downstairs, but always go up to the class so that they can have a quick word with the teachers.
I also know mothers who complain to me that if they carry on working, and are not around they don't know what's going on, that they feel left out. That they feel looked down upon by the parents who are martyring themselves.
The other night I took my son to the school musical performance and play by the secondary pupils. Besides the fact that his sister was playing in the school orchestra, I was explaining to him that we'd have gone anyway. As it was important to be involved with your school community. To support the efforts that the school or other pupils were making in what ever endeavour. We got there. He was the first to notice how few parents and other non-performing pupils there were. "where are all their mums and dads?" he asked. "There's nearly more people on stage than off. " I reiterated that that was why it was important for us to be there. The next evening, I couldn't go as I had too much homework, but he insisted on going himself with our helper, so that "all that work wasn't for nothing".
I attended the tail end of the secondary graduation last night to pick my child up after the performance. I was very pleasantly surprised. What a huge difference the school has gone through in the last year or so. Suddenly it's feeling like a "real" school. Things are really coming together and everything is just so much more professional. So much more together. I was having pangs about my children having to leave and missing out on what the school is becoming.
I had to chuckle though afterwards, as my daughter said to me "you know the kids that were in the school play doing drama - well some of them won several awards" - one in the eye for you Amy Chua who didn't let her girls do drama. I also had to smile on the photography thing. It's not without reason that asians have this reputation with photos! Whereas I remember from our end of year prize givings that there was exactly ONE over zealous parent taking pictures of their child - here there were a lot more. And photos were not just taken in passing, but children stopped, posed, with a whole entourage of school personnel (some of which I wondered what on earth they had to do with the child's success), until the perfect picture was taken. I wondered somewhat why the photo wasn't with mum in those cases!
This afternoon a friend who's child is passing from primary to secondary passed by and regailed the excesses of the personalised class year book that had been made (by a mother), the graduation party that had been organised by a mother and a full committee. The prize giving, the lucky draw. While she admired and appreciated what was being done for her child, she did pause to wonder if it wasn't too much. I also wondered if all that time and energy and money was going for a more general benefit how much good it potentially could do.
To end with something from the Analects and an old Chinese saying:
过犹不及 － guòyóubùjí too far is as bad as not enough
乐极生悲 - Lè Jí Shēng Bēi the extreme begets its opposite
